How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
she pinky promised me she was 18
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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