Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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