Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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