Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
