My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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