i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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