I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
