Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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