I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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