I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
