hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
