If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
