and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
