just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
