Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
