I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize