Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
