yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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