you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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