dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
