I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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