she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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