Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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