hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
