Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
