Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
