I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Duck Duck Cougar?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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