he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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