my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
