So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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