every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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