why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Sorry about my life...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
