So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
