So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
