I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you inspire me to be a worse person
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
