every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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