Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
