my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
