But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
