a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
