Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize