your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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