Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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