i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
