I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
