Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
