my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
