I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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