glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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