Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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