Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
