He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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