Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
