I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
