So drunk its hurt
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
