i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
